Ask Miss Bee is Girls Who Travel’s resident sex columnist. Do you have a question about love, sex or dating abroad? Ask her anonymously here!
Dear Miss Bee,
It’s been 4 years since I’ve been in a relationship. It’s been 4 years since I’ve done anything sexual. I know, it’s weird, but a lot has happened and it’s to the point that I don’t want to break that with just anyone.
I’m only 5’2 and my whole life I’ve been self conscious about my weight. Even when I was at 125 pounds 12 years ago, I still thought I was fat. Now I’m 200 pounds and while some of it is my fault, I have had some medical issues. My question is, how do you ladies get over the self consciousness? I know once you start seeing someone, they like you for who you are but I’m just nervous of being naked with someone. The stretch marks, cellulite, etc. I’m not looking for weight loss tips as I’m working on it.
Dear Miss Fluffy,
Thank you so much for sharing your story and allowing me to delve into some very personal things with you!
Before we even start I want to be extremely clear with you, there is nothing wrong with not being sexual. You don’t have to have sex if you don’t want to, you don’t have to have sex because people pressure you to have it either. Sex is for you and whoever else you’re with, and if people can’t respect it then that’s their shit, not yours. So that’s first of all. So honey no it is not weird, it just so happens to be something you’re not doing right now.
Ok so now that we’re clear on that, on to the advice. So this is going to sound a little cliche, but here’s the answer: YOU MUST LOVE YOURSELF BEFORE YOU OPEN YOURSELF UP TO OTHERS.
I know you’re asking “Miss Bee how do I love myself??”
Well here are some ways:
Start by saying it. You know how when you throw something in the universe you have to be careful which may cause you to knock on wood? Well tell yourself everyday that you love yourself. Let the world know! And eventually you will.
Body wise, I definitely relate. My highest weight was 300 lbs and I personally found it hard to be intimate because I was always in my own head space, thinking how I look to the other person. Rather than being present and enjoying myself I was too busy worrying about what others thought. I’m not just talking about sex. When I was so self consumed with my own thoughts – I was busy missing out on so many amazing things were happening around me – like scuba diving! I was worried what people would think of my body in a bathing suit! One day I realized enough was enough, and at that point I discovered my love for traveling. So start small. Find one thing you’ve been holding off doing because you’re feeling self conscious and do it anyway. Is there something you love to do? If not, find something! Once you find that love, no one can take it away from you, and it would be up to you to hold onto it dearly.
Girl let me be completely honest with you ok; no one gets over being self conscious (except maybe some narcissists and with them, run awayyyy). Everyone has something they worry about whether it’s their teeth, or lack of meat, too much meat, hair, eyes, nose…anything- it makes no difference. You can learn to love yourself by understanding that you’re not alone. And you’re not wrong either to feel that way. Embrace who you are, and you know what happens when outsiders see that? They begin to love that person as well.
Humor is an amazing way to begin to love yourself, for example I love poking fun of the things I may feel pretty self conscious about. I mean, do you have any idea what the body looks like after losing over 100 lbs? Think melted chocolate ok?! Sometimes it’s fun to tease myself and then think, “Damn, I’m pretty funny aren’t I?”
We’re only self conscious because we’re getting messages from somewhere else about what we’re supposed to look like. So decide you’re going to relearn what is beautiful and make it your job. It’s going to take some work but your life will be better for it. Here’s a great article from Women’s Health Magazine, which provides a great source of things to do to remember you’re beautiful.
- List all the cool shit your body has helped you do
- Talk about your butt
- Make a Google Doc of all your wins
- Adopt Affirmations
- Do nice stuff for yourself
- Talk to yourself like a true BFF
- Fake it til’ you make it
Pretty easy things to do am I right?
So my little Fluffster you already know the answer, love yourself. And know that once you find the right person, the things you’re self conscious about will become the little quirks they love about you…
Miss Bee is a 20 something year old ex-serial dater who loves travel, giving advice and her cat.